it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I AM VODKA MAN
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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