I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dicks are not precious.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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