I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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