I wanna passion pit in your ass
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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