u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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