She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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