As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I enjoy the company of your penis
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