I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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