I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
