the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
