I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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