When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
