please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
