I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
