I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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