Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
nutella sex= disaster
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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