Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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