her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
