Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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