My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
