ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
