the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
