I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
