Pregnant stripper...not hot.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If I die, sorry about rent.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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