I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
