K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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