just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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