WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
