Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
