He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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