The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
