Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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