Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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