the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
