Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
