high people should be assigned attendants
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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