took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Boobs are out for the taking
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
