She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She told me I should be a condom model.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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