i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
