I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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