i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
