Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
