ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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