my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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