i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
