Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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