dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
