End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Another day, another engagement, another cat
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
