I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
