I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Randomize
